Welcome to my world of madness!
I am a gothic gyaru and I specialize in heavy makeup, wearing tons of jewellry, black nail polish, and baking great cakes 8D
This is a very personal thing for me to blog about, but I feel I need some way to let out all my feelings without coming face to face with anyone.
Anyone who knows me or who has met me either thinks I’m; Miserable, rude, quiet, shy, creepy, weird or a bitch. These people never think of why, instead they just want to see me as an easy target.
I suffer from depression, social anxiety, slight agrophobia which is getting progressively worse and I haven’t left my house alone in about 2 months now since I lost my job. I have suicidal tendencies and have been taken to hospital on a number of occasions. Worst of all I have an eating disorder and a gender identity crisis.
There have been many occassions where I just want to end it all, but I think to myself…I don’t want to be selfish. My pain might be gone, but my family will have to deal with it and they do not deserve it.
What is it that makes me the way that I am? I was bullied at school for being fat, ugly, weird….the funniest of all was being bullied by black people for not being “ghetto” and being “posh”. I ended up skipping a whole year of school due to being in hospital for my eating disorder (anorexia to be precise.) and being agrophobic- whats funny was getting grades - bad grades but good enough to go to college.
In my first year at college, I had the same people from school that bullied me in my class. They jeered at me because i had a speech disorder due to not socialising, but I had the last laugh because they were kicked out for being aggressive.
I guess “posh” will always win over “ghetto” lol.
I was doing well, but my agrophobia started getting the better of me and I was removed from the course at college after 5 months.
I cried for ages, but my mum helped me get back into college and I was placed onto level 2. I completed the course with straight distinctions.
Then I took a year out to do art (worst choice ever) I was the oldest in the class at 18, my peers being 16, and dressed like I do, I was bullied. Ended up hanging out with people that couldn’t speak english because they were bullied too.
I got into a really big argument one day and it resulted into everyone suddenly having respect for me…weird. I left that course after 6 months and was once again stuck in my house. Still got grades by sending my work to my tutors online.
After art I took my recent course - the last year of beauty therapy. My goodness was it the hardest thing ever, I couldn’t talk to people, couldn’t make eye contact and once again I was the “weirdo” in class. I had lost all confidence and self esteem and just went to college with messy hair and no makeup.
The tutor took the piss with me and it made me come back as a more confident and outspoken person, no one could fuck with me and if they tried I did not take it lightly - this was my persona. Being someone who people would leave alone.
One day I finally cracked and was at my lowest mood, sitting in the toilets with a bunch of pills and taking them one by one. I went back into class in a complete state and the tutor sat down and wanted to chat with me. I told her why I am the way I am reluctantly and was taken out of class by the head of the department. I did not mention my overdose to them.
She arranged for me to have counselling and to also allow me to finish the course earlier, none of this happened but hey lol. I was getting towards the end of the year and there was this one malicious girl in my class who was aggressive and rude to everyone including myself and the tutors. She was supposed to be removed from the class but it never happened. Anyway this one day she kept on picking on me after seeing that I was in a complete emotional wreck (yeah you’re brave for picking on someone at their worst…coward) and I just told her about herself - theres nothing worse than hearing home truths.
For once I was no longer a doormat….until my tutor - knowing I was suicidal - decided to tell me how worthless I am in front of the whole class…bearing in mind she was supposed to be a “Buddhist”. She had made a pact with girls in the class and she would pick on people and bully them for absolutely no reason. How she even still has a job there after all the complaints she has I will never understand. Whenever there was a complaint she would make herself look like the victim.
I finished college early and just focused on my job (I was working there for 5 months) things were on track until my boss decided she would take the piss wih me, fuck up my pay and my hours and left me hanging whenever I asked her when I could be promoted from a receptionist to a beauty therapist her answer was ” I cant afford to pay you so you won’t be a therapist here. Your treatments are good but I cant afford to pay you”
That was the last straw for me, my pay was already at below minimum wage as she kept under paying me so I just left. And since then I’ve worked at a few other places but its been alot worse eg. My boss would take half of my wages (like wtf lol)
So yeah…I’m holding out on the thinnest thread and anything can make it snap. Theres only so long I can be “strong” for